I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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