he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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