Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
