Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
