New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Randomize
