She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
