you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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