he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
