I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
