You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
this just has baby written all over it
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
