I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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