evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
