I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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