I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
