i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
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