watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
