I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
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Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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