you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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