I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
