I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
