Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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