rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
