Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
