I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
