just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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