I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
