All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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