I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
