sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
