Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
