It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
