I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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