So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
