Having a random hookup so left but love u
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
