Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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