thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
