I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
