We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
