you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
