if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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