i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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