Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
