Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
