I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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