I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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