so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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