I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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