Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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