I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
