dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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