My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
