it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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