apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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