Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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