alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
