if you like me you must not know who I am
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
