your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you have to choose: penises or morals?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
