sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Everything about him screamed your future.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
