I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So apparently I’m into choking now
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
