Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
