Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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