Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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