my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
