i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
