the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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